He left his family

Even when you know it is coming, and you’ve been gearing up for it – it is still an earth shattering experience to be left. Nothing can prepare you for how it will feel. I was 8 months pregnant, so it was even more challenging because of my hormonal state of mind. My husband told me he was leaving after coming home from the bar at about 2 in the morning. He doesn’t even remember telling me he was leaving.

The next morning I sat the kids down, and told them that their Dad was moving out. He acted surprised like he didn’t understand or know what was happening. Being 8 months pregnant, emotional, and feeling quite emotionally bare, I decided I would leave to a hotel for the first part of our separation. I needed to get myself back on the ground, stay as calm as possible for the little peanut inside of me, and prepare myself for going back home as a single parent for the first time.

This is how I coped during that first month. It was not pretty, it doesn’t have to be, when your husband leaves you and the floor falls out from under you, it is OK to be sad, angry, scared, and hurt.

• Let yourself feel.

My friend and I have developed a saying: It would be so much easier to ride the rainbow across to better times, but you need to walk through the coals. You need to feel all the feels, let them wash over you, recognize what they mean and examine why they are they. Just as you feel every coal as you walk across, you need to feel every feel as it comes. If you fly over, push it down, and slide across the rainbow, the coals will still be there, burning a fire in your past, resurfacing and most likely affecting your future.

• Don’t be afraid to show emotions around your kids.

Kids need to know it is OK to be angry, sad, hurt, confused, all feelings have a purpose, whether they are comfortable feelings or not. This does not mean have an all out melt down in front of your kids, because that is scary for them. But if they see you cry – that is OK!!!! Crying is normal and it is healthy! If they see you get upset, that is OK! It is SO important for kids to have an example of how to have feelings, and even more importantly, be shown healthy ways to cope and own the feelings. Explain what the feelings are for and tools to help them manage and benefit from their feelings.

• Find a safe person to hold your hand and fall on.

It is always a good idea to have a life preserver (or two or three!) when you feel like your ship has capsized and you’re drowning. I thankfully have an amazing therapist as well as great friends and family. I made sure to not let myself become marooned on my island of sad – and they made sure to keep close tabs on me. When I felt like I was drifting, they’d pull me back in with a phone call, a visit, or quick text to check in.

• Find affirmations

This is anything that makes sense to you. For me, some of the ones that helped me were “this too, shall pass”, “I am not what happens to me”, “I will be OK”, and “When you’re going through hell, keep going”…

• Be present

I love the quote “There are only two days a year you can not change, yesterday and tomorrow”. We have today, what can you do today to move towards healing, your goal, or simply to get through the day.

• Focus on what you can control and what needs to be let go

It is important to recognize and hold tight to what you can control and fully let go of what you cannot. You cannot control how others choose to behave – you can only control what you do and how you choose to respond. I found myself becoming angry with my husband’s actions, words, and choices…once I let it go, and accepted that was his choice, I was able to focus on me and what I was going to do with my newfound reality.